Get in the holiday SPIRIT with some humor about wine.

We are in the final stages of our new online marketing coupon business Affiggle.com. It’s based on the years of humor and corny jokes from these newsletters.  Here is a sample of the humor and jokes from our wine ebook. More details about the website but humor  first.

A holiday WHINE

How am I supposed to write a humor piece about something that tastes terrible? I truly don’t understand why people like to drink wine. The first time you taste any kind of alcohol it tastes bitter and horrible. It’s a bit like coffee, but coffee gives you a false sense that it may taste okay because it smells delightful. And even if you don’t like coffee, you can drown it in cream and sugar so you can at least swallow the stuff. With wine, not a chance!

I don’t know why you can’t add cream or sugar to wine, but apparently it’s just not done. If you drink tea you are allowed to add honey, lemon, and or sugar. But as for wine – nothing. You have to drink it straight.  You are not even supposed to add ice. Nooo! Wine has to be just the right temperature, and even then that varies depending upon the color. And can you imagine serving hot wine from a mug. Even if hot was somehow allowed, you would never, ever, get away with serving wine from a mug. Wine apparently tastes better out of glass, and again there are separate rules for white and red.

If you ask me, it’s all just crazy, crazy, crazy. Wine tastes bad, no matter what shape of glass you put it in. And why shouldn’t it – wine is nothing more than fermented grapes, – in other words, rotting. It’s a bit like blue cheese. Why anyone chooses to eat moldy food, and drink spoiled grapes, is beyond me. Oh, wait. Yeah, I think I understand it now.  In order to fully appreciate rotting food and fermented drink, maybe you have to be a bit tipsy to enjoy it.

Original Corny Jokes From our wine ebook found at Affiggle.com.

Written by Susan Sherbert

What kind of wine should you serve on a first date?

Blush

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Where do men go to get away from their nagging wives?

The WHINE bar

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How come it’s impossible to get in trouble when you drink non-alcoholic wine?

Because there is never any PROOF

More about Affiggle.com and marketing coupons.

More jokes at www.Affiggle.com
A catalog of Corny Joke and Humor ebooks

  Indulge in our Thanksgiving, food, and humor issue

As I sit down to write this Simply Amusing Thanksgiving newsletter, I’m feeling grumpy and irritable. I imagine I’m not the only one feeling that way these days, but considering I’m writing a humor column right now, it is probably not a good idea. Besides it’s Thanksgiving – we should be feeling grateful, not grumpy and irritated. Well it’s a good thing it is November because that means it time for my annual food issue. And we all know that food can cure almost anything, especially irritability.

 So what scrumptious morsels am I going to talk about this year? Last year I covered the condiments, and I’m sure I’ve mentioned my favorite issue about pies (why do we serve pies at Thanksgiving and not cake). This year I thought I’d do something a bit different. Rather than talking about all of the abundance of food that we bring to the table, I decided to talk about something that is absent from the feast. Something that 364 days a year is held in high regard, but on Thanksgiving Day is almost considered taboo. You’ll never see it in any holiday ad, or featured on any holiday cooking show. And I’m not sure you could even order it as part of one of those ready made, heat and eat, not from scratch holiday meal you pick up at resturants and grocery stores.

Guess what’s missing

Have you guessed the mystery item by now? If you said vegetables, you are close. Unfortunately mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, yams, scalloped potatoes, and creamed corn are still considered vegetables even thought they are swimming in fat and sugar . And don’t leave out the American favorite, the green bean casserole – enough said about that one. Oh and don’t forget the attempt at healthy with the olives, pickles, and little yellow corn looking things. Occasionally, if you have a person in your family with a European background, you might see brussell sprouts on the table, but for the most part, healthy vegetables are pretty much a no no at Thanksgiving.

Healthy is the reason you never see salad on a Thanksgiving table. Okay, there is the cool whip topped jello thing that they call a salad, but to me, if it’s isn’t green, it ain’t a salad. I know, I know, that means I don’t consider chicken salad, potato salad, or even tuna salad as salads either. To me those things are just cold versions of a casserole.

In my book, a salad contains lettuce, and I don’t think I have ever seen lettuce served at Thanksgiving. What’s the point, with all that good fatty food on the table, who wants to eat a tasteless piece of leaf. Healthy has no place at Thanksgiving. It is saved for January which just happens to be my diet issue of Simply Amusing. So eat up, enjoy, and try to remember what you are thankful for.

Original Corny Jokes
Written by Susan Sherbert

What kind of lettuce is best served really cold?

ICEburg

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Why was the salad taken off the menu?

Because it was CHOPPED

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How was the salad bullied in the kitchen?

It was TOSSED around a lot

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What type of lettuce is allergic to the salad spinner?

SPIN-ITCH

More jokes at www.Affiggle.com
A catalog of Corny Joke and Humor ebooks

Humor Column 
in Caypen Magazine

Stand up and fight for yourself

My Caypen Magazine humor column this month is about courage. But not the kind of courage where you are willing to risk everything to make someone else’s life better. No the courage I’m going to talk about is a bit more on the selfish side. It’s about the courage to take a stand to fight for what you believe in. To have the guts to stand up for yourself, and not let others push you around. This selfish kind of courage is what entrepreneurs are made of. 

I suppose the battle for yourself really starts in childhood when you want to wear the green cape and purple boots to school but your parents won’t let you. At that young age you’ve probably already learned to please others to get along, so reluctantly you take off your purple boots and put on sneakers. Unfortunately, as we get older, too often the problem gets worse. It’s like when someone asks you what you want to eat. You feel like an ice cream, but you don’t want to be thought of as a pig, so you shrug your shoulders and say nothing. Someone suggests a salad, so you order a salad too. How stupid was that! Would your friends think less of you because you ordered an ice cream? And if you did happen to stand up for yourself and order that ice cream, would you then feel the need to explain yourself and justify that you had an extra long workout that morning?

If you want to be an entrepreneur, you absolutely must learn to stand up for what you believe in. Sure you need to seek the advice of others and value their opinions, but you must be true to yourself and have the guts to stand firm and disagree. Entrepreneurs tend to be dreamers and most grown ups tend to live in a reality based world. For example, one day I decided I needed a lifetime dream, so I decided I was going to golf every golf course inCalifornia, I was excited about my dream so I rushed to tell my reality based golf buddies. “You can’t do that” they all said. “Do you know how many golf courses there are? And how are you going to get on all of those private courses?”

Well it was my dream, my life, and my choice to live the dream or let my friends squash the vision right out of my head. So I stood up for myself. I found a book that listed all 864 courses so I began playing, and checking courses off the list. And the funny thing is, once they realize that I wasn’t going to give in, do you know what happened? They wanted to become part of the journey too. “Hey, I know a friend that can get you on to this private course, and maybe my other buddy can help you with a few more.”

The point of all this is that it takes real courage to believe in yourself. Do you see the little cartoon drawing I use as my headshot? Magazine editors take one look at that and ask for a real photo, but I stand my ground and explain that I write a humor column, and that drawing is Susan Sherbert, so it stays. Using that cartoon takes courage… Or maybe I’m just being totally chicken, and don’t want people to recognize me if they don’t like my humor.

More humor and corny jokes at affiggle.com

The Horrible – and adorable – insanity of Halloween

Halloween is always one of my favorite Simply Amusing newsletters to write, because there is so much good material to work with. I have never understood why it is perfectly acceptable for wholesome, peace loving, families to celebrate the blood, guts, and violence of Halloween. For reasons that totally baffle me, during the month of October it becomes perfectly acceptable to proudly display gruesome images of anything dead, scary, or evil. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, that people actually go out of their way toa flaunt images of terror that would otherwise be considered worthy of the death penalty.

Now mix that in with the little girls dressed up as ballerinas, babies wearing irresistible pumpkin costumes, and boys who are excited to be superheroes. Then send them all out together into the neighborhood streets – the ax murderers and the princesses – to knock on doors and ask total strangers for a piece of candy. I’d like to say that this is a total exaggeration and that I’m just making this stuff up, but the reality is, it’s all true.

More Confusion

Again, Halloween is a time that truly baffles me. Three other things that add to my October confusion are: the scarecrows, the pumpkins, and the candy corn. I can maybe understand the pumpkin and the scarecrow because they are at least somewhat appropriate to the season. Pumpkin harvest is in the fall so we need to keep the scarecrows employed. I suppose it is their job to help ensure that we have a big enough crop for all of those millions of pumpkin pies that Americans consume on Thanksgiving day.

But what about the candy corn? How did that become, not only associated with, but almost the generic symbol of Halloween. In what way is a tri-colored lump of corn kernel shaped sugar, connected to Halloween? The only thing I can think of is that maybe some brilliant marketing expert, employed by the sugar cane farmers, created candy corn as a way to compete with the pumpkin growers, but who knows.

And if you thought I was done with our list of insanity associated with Halloween then you were mistaken. Can someone please explain to me why we carve Jack-o-lanterns? It seem like a big waste to me, because we don’t even eat the darn things. We just hollow them out, poke a few holes that are supposed to represent a face, and then put in a candle to see them glow. Then a few days later we scrape up the soggy, moldy mess and toss all of our hard work in the trash. I know, maybe that brilliant candy corn marketing guy was the same guy who came up with the idea of carving pumpkins.

Yet, as soon as the month of October is over, the insanity quickly fades away. Down with the scary monsters, and up go the twinkling lights of peace and joy. And do you know the craziest thing of all about this whole mess? I have already purchased my pumpkins, and already eaten half of the candy that is meant for the horrible, and the adorable, trick or treater’s that I welcome to my door. I guess that means I’ll be going as a hypocrite this year.

Original Corny Jokes
Written by Susan Sherbert

What do you do when you make a mistake carving a pumpkin?

Take it to a pumpkin PATCH?

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Why did the witch buy a vaccuum?

Because her broom STICKS

More jokes at www.Affiggle.com
A catalog of Corny Joke and Humor ebooks

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